The internal battle between Egoism and Altruism
How to find lasting happiness and avoid self sabotage.
The world reveals to you what you aim at
The motivations behind your actions will either lead you to a life of happiness or a life ruin. It's not just important on how you act, but why you act. Each one of your choices has the motivation of egoism or altruism. If you choose altruism you will get lasting happiness, but if you choose egoism you will get short term pleasure, but longterm failure and misery.
You may think to yourself, "Duh ill just choose altruism, boom problem solved". But here is the problem most people are unaware of which motivation is driving their actions. They can't distinguish if their motivation is driven by altruism & authenticity or egoism & self centeredness. This is a major concern because if you are unaware that you are operating from egoism & self centeredness you will keep encountering the problems and failures that come with that aim. Meaning you will repeat the cycle of having the same failings in both your career and relationships over and over.
So how do I know if my motivations are coming from egoism or altruism, and why should I choose altruism? -
Egoism Vs Altruism
The Egoist
- This is where the individual above all else desires personal achievement. They are motivated by being better than others, are never satisfied, and always seeks more.
They are validated externally, and their personal worth is intertwined with their achievement, rather than for who they are. The promotion of self is their primary goal and personal power and control is what motivates their life. They view others as means to their ends of personal achievement. The gratification is short term and they often experience very low lows and very high highs.
The Altruist
- This is where the individual above all else wills good beyond just themself. They view love as a decision rather than an emotion. They are motivated by principles such as: Justice, love, community, intrinsic goodness. They focus on the greater good.
(Maximillian Kolbe)
They are validated internally, and motivation is about loving all human beings including themself. They will the good for others for others as the other. They view others as having innate dignity and them being an end in itself. Their primary goal is the ultimate good for all people and the gratification is long term.
So how will choosing the route of the Egoist effect my life and relationships?
If you choose the route of the egoist you will encounter 3 main problems with severe downfalls in your life and relationships.
1.) Comparison game: No matter how much you have achieved there will always be someone who has achieved more than you (even if that person is a previous version of yourself)
2.) Wheel of fortune: If your worth is intertwined with your success what happens when you lose
3.) Novelty bug: Even if you do "win" and achieve great heights you will get used to it and chase the next novel high
This leads to depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, and Inferiority. The gratification is short term and you lose out on long term meaning & fulfillment.
The Downfalls
Downfall 1 the Comparison game.
"No matter how much you have achieved there will always be someone who has achieved more than you."
In operating in this manner you will develop irrational insecurities based out of a feeling of unworthiness. You will play the comparison game with yourself (basing worth on being better or worse than others) and believe it's just a matter of time before your partner leaves you for someone else who has a better "insert quality here" than you.
You will become anxious, jealous, and fearful, creating unnecessary conflict over your insecurity of not being enough. This may look like wanting to constantly check their phone, dictating what they can and can't wear, or becoming very aggressive/upset when your partner communicates with a member of the opposite sex. You become untrusting and push them away because you base your worth on being the better than others and assume that they also do too.
Both inside and outside of a relationship this leads to: "Imposter syndrome": a psychological condition that causes people to doubt their abilities, accomplishments, or talents. People with imposter syndrome may also fear being exposed as frauds. Which will greatly hinder your success in any domain.
Downfall 2 the Wheel of fortune
"If your worth is intertwined with your success what happens when you lose".
When the high's are high you will be on cloud nine exploding with all of the confidence, praise & love you can muster. Because you are a winner "and thats what winners deserve".
But when you lose what happens. You become depressed, you withhold all good things from yourself and even your partner because "losers don't deserve good things". You become depressed, are no longer confident, and you treat yourself like garbage. And because you now have a low opinion of yourself that treatment may even expand to your partner. This can look like - You stop giving effort (dates, appearance, household duties) engaging deprecating conversations (self and towards others), and general apathy. This will push your partner away due to the instability of your behaviors.
Both inside and outside of a relationship this leads to: "learned helplessness". This occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so. If your worth is intertwined with your success and you lose enough times you may even lose the will to give effort.
Downfall 3 the Novelty bug.)
"Even if you do "win" and achieve great heights you will get used to it and chase the next novel high"
Ah yes the insatiable novelty bug, nothing will ever be enough to make this bug's belly full. Even if your partner is a 99% match for you the novelty bug will have you focus on the 1% that is missing. You can always find someone or something that has a quality that is better than the person you are with. You can find someone who is more attractive, smarter, funnier etc., but you are only focusing on the 1% missing vs the 99% that you have. The novelty bug prevents you from growing what you already have and from being in the here and now. It stops you from being present as you are always trying to chase what is missing. The thing is your life is what you aim at, if your aim is to find what is missing the world will reveal that to you, if your aim is to better and appreciate what you already have then the world will reveal that to you. The novelty bug will make you not appreciate what you have in the relationship and lead you to give up 99% for 1%.
Both inside and outside of a relationship this leads to: "grass is always greener syndrome": This is an inability to be content with one's current life and a constant pursuit of something "better". It can manifest in many areas of life, including career, relationships, and consumerism. People with "grass is greener syndrome" are the types that can't stick to a workout program because a new study came out saying working out in x manner is superior. They constantly compare their job to their peers and contemplate if they should switch over and if that would make them happier etc. These people are blinded by short term gratification, they won't be able to stay put long enough to reap the rewards of long term efforts!!!
Ok so we see how Route of the Egoist leads to long term ruin. How do we avoid that?
Choose the route of the Altruist so you can avoid and smash each downfall
Altruism is about viewing love as a choice rather than an emotion. You decide in the here and now to love and to not base your happiness and worth on something that you can lose or that is outside of you. The altruist focuses on what will bring about the greatest good long term where the egoist focuses on what will make you feel good in the now.
Altruism destroys the 3 downfalls- The comparison game, the wheel of fortune, and the novelty bug
1.) Altruism destroys The Comparison game- Altruism destroys self hate/unworthiness because it does not root its value in external things, but in internal value. In choosing altruism your value is rooted in who you are not what you have. You believe you are worthy of love and good things. Your worth is not dependent on you being better or worse than others, but by you being the most honest and best version of yourself. You love and better yourself because you deserve to be all you can be. Not because you have to become all you can be to be deserving and loved. Altruism allows you to love yourself and your partner and give both of you what you deserve (reciprocity of outer and inner love)
2.) Altruism destroys the Wheel of fortune and learned helplessness: It does so because it does not let happiness depend on things it cannot control. If you are attracted to the goods of fortune your opinion of yourself will go up and down. This is the nature of pursuits of power, money, pleasure, and honor. It is more than fine to have these things but do not let this things define your worth of happiness. Altruism roots its happiness in the good it can do and has control. EX: calling your grandpa every Wednesday to have a conversation with him.
3.) Altruism destroys the novelty bug and the grass is always greener syndrome: It does so because it views love as a decision rather than an emotion. It focuses on the here and now rather than the what ifs. This also gives you control. Instead of jumping ship at any sight of a potential "better way or quality of a person" You focus on what you have, rather than what you lack.
You focus on "how can I keep deciding to love". You have your partner and you choose to continue loving them despite that you can find the 1% missing in them in someone else. You realize the grass is greener where you water it. And the only way to reach your potential or the relationships potential is to decide to pour into it. You then realize that 1% better you found elsewhere doesn't truly exist, You get the 1% better in where you decide to pour your efforts in. This is broadly applicable to your relationship, career, and even workout routine. Pour into the here and now and you will gain lasting meaning.
Take away
At the end of the day do your best to choose altruism. You deserve a life of lasting meaning and happiness and so do the people you interact with day to day. Do your best to be honest with yourself and if your realize you have been acting from the egoist make the switch to altruism.
It's worth it, you deserve it, and your loved ones & S/O especially do too. So do so before you hurt and push away those you truly love and truly love you too.
(An Ode to live is it too late?)
Thank you for reading!! I hope you have found something that has been helpful